Have children they said. It’ll be great they said. Parenthood is the best thing you can ever do they said. What ‘they’ didn’t say is that the lovely, cute gorgeous bundle you hold in your arms will eventually grow up. Then God help you.
After 9 months of sickness, swollen legs, waddling around like a weeble and not daring to sit on a sofa when you’re home alone as you’ll never get up again, eventually this absolute bundle of joy enters your world and you’ve never felt so much love in your entire life. This little being becomes your whole world. You bond, you laugh you play together, have days out and lots of cuddles and you are the best thing in their little lives. They couldn’t imagine not being with you and cry when you leave them. You are their world and vice versa.
So one night when your lovely sweet natured child is about 12 years old, after doing homework or watching a film, they come and give you a kiss goodnight and a hug and the usual ‘love you, sweet dreams’ and off they tot to bed. Que morning and your sweet and gentle mannered child appears. Or so you think. But no. That child no longer exists and has been replaced by what can only be described as one big walking hormone doing their best impression of Jack Nicholson from the shining crossed with Chucky from child’s play.
Don’t dare speak or even breathe a good morning as your head will be bitten off from across the other side of the room and you will be frozen to death on the spot from the ice cold stare for attempting to offer them some breakfast. Be prepared to be on standby for meltdowns ranging from any minor thing as buying the wrong type of cornflakes to having hysterics because they’ve run out of fake tan.
Do not attempt to enter their bedrooms as you will get lost in amongst the rubbish and dirty washing and need to send for the air rescue service to come and find you. You will no longer be allowed to be seen out together in public as if you are, you will be reprimanded for walking to loudly, breathing too much and God forbid, talking to other human beings. Your title as ‘parent’ will no longer be used but replaced by ‘chauffer, cash machine, cook and waiter. You will be able to appreciate the many different types of ‘eye rolling’ that is possible and the amount of times one person can slam a door in the space of thirty seconds at the mere mention of tidying up or the word ‘homework’.
So to sum up………. We are all doomed. But on the bright side there is always alcohol. Here’s to my liver surviving the next four to five years. Cheers x